Birth-Order Dating

At Barnes & Noble,
picking through the hype-books,
I saw this face.

An ordinary face -
for a TV kind of person -
beautiful, of course.

A beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed face
on a Barbie-pink bookjacket -
I had to look.

The title: Birth-Order Dating
or something
to that effect.

So, I opened it
to see what difference
birth-order made
to one such as you.

First, I learned
never date the youngest.
They're irresponsible.
Well, that let's me out...

Then, on the first date,
ask for three, not two,
childhood memories.

Analyze these
for the prospect's outlook on life.

If all are sad,
person is chronically depressed -
leave.

If all show
they were picked on,
they are middle,
but will always think
you unfair -
leave.

If they show the prospect is
honest, hardworking....
first!
snatch them up!

Sigh....

But here's the kick.
If you find out
they were neglected,
or abused,
or molested -
leave!
(Don't even think
of looking back!)

I put the book down.
And as I automatically
regrew the sign
on my back 
that said
"Defective",
I had the sense
to wonder -
Just how many perfect,
beautiful, hard-working
firsts that
had a perfect childhood
are there?

I've never met one.

Kathleen Hover
02/04/2002